(Trigger Warning – Abuse/Suicide).

I’m 37 years old and can’t remember a period in my life where I was happy. Pretty sad right?

I have long standing friendships. I have a large Indian extended family that can suffocate me at times, but overall, I have positive associations with them all, even if I can’t take them at all once! I’ve had some memorable moments with all the individuals in that family. There’s no one there that I don’t trust or fundamentally value as being part of MY family network. Yes we all struggle to relate to each other as everyone is capable of moving onto their own cellular family, but I know deep down we are all there for each other when needed.

I’ve lived my entire life amidst Anxiety and Depression. I was high functioning – the perfect over achiever at school, never being allowed to fail as it would tip me into a pit of disappointment and despair. Constantly striving to achieve that parental approval I so rarely felt in my childhood. Or even to be told “I’m proud of you”, or “I love you”. I was ready to do anything to earn that one. Even today I am a people pleaser – wanting the thumbs up or pat on the back for a job well done from absolutely everyone, like I’m still that timid shy child in school.

I have relationship anxiety to the extreme. I am terribly insecure about commitment as I’ve seen what it does to the people around me growing up – my parents. It destroyed who they were fundamentally. My mum bitterly resented my dad. He just walked away. They had a terrible marriage full of fighting conflict and insults. Respect comes number one on my list and they don’t have that for each other. How could any children born of such horrors ever be happy when they’re taught anything but?

Religion was shoved down my throat from all angles. My mum was a devout Hindu and my dad believed in Jainism above all other world religions. I was brought up to strictly observe both. Throw some astrology in for good order and you see how dogmatic my way of thinking became. It was always “leave it up to fate” and “when the time is right” rather than let’s make a practical plan to sort through the problem using what we have in the here and now.

My first experience of love was from my ex-boyfriend from my twenties. He showed me what a healthy (ish) relationship where I was the priority could and should look like. He showered me with gifts, love and affection. It was sometimes too much but I always trusted it came from a good place. I since learned that gifts are definitely not part of my love language. Physical touch and Acts of Service definitely are. He once drove my mum and I to Park Royal to pick up some boxes for her business. I remember that above most other things.

I also remember we never had a bad moment, until he decided to try to take his own life following some bad news I received. I decided then and there that I could not allow anyone to hurt themselves for me. It basically marked the beginning of the end of our relationship, as I believed there was something in me that made me toxic and unsafe to be around.

Of course, I’ve since concentrated all my efforts into working on myself, my mindset and beliefs, through plenty of therapies (my favourite being art therapy – I was always and still am a creative individual, an outlet that’s extremely important to me personally and professionally). It’s taken a full year before I can say I see the light at the end of the tunnel. But the important thing is I do.

As the cover title suggests nobody can hurt me without my permission. I am getting stronger every day. I am ready to share my truth. I am ready to fight for what I want in life.

Finally.